THAT-ZZAT

A game which needs people who can run for a while, take a final, awkwardly scary leap (which is basically a nice run and a good jump spoilt), and while landing rotate their arms quickly and ‘deliver’.

A game which needs people who can rotate their arms and back while shuffling forwards or backwards or sideways, and while also tiptoeing or bending from the knees.

A game which needs people who can run occasionally, generally stand (somewhat attentively) and clap for a long time patiently, catching the ball as safely as possible, and sometimes diving to prevent the only people who are getting some exercise from doing so.

It’s the game which needs the one odd guy who can keep sitting down, squatting and standing up continuously, every minute or so. He should be patient and stupid enough to keep tightening his gloves, strangely every time before he begins his squatting business. (why not get gloves which fit?) Further he has to keep shouting, to the ‘category-1’ guy and the patiently standing attentive gentlemen (‘category 3’), words of encouragement. Some gentlemen of this category, though it’s not restricted to them, try to distract and de-motivate the ‘category-2’ people

Finally there’s the most important man, the one who must be quick enough to take split-hour decisions. Of course, he is also involved in the press conferences. If his team has won, he has to say that ‘the boys played well’ and if he loses then something like ‘we got complacent” or “the pitch slowed down” or “maybe the better team won” or something else. Who cares anyway? Being second is to be the first of the ones to lose.

No points for guessing, the game n question is the gentleman’s game.

I fail to understand a great, great deal about this game. Where else would the sport be so cruel as to force a bowler (people of category 1) to bowl again, when it was he who couldn’t bowl within a meter of the stumps in the first place? Or when he was unable to control and stop his weird run-jump-land-swing arms routine before a highly visible white line?

There is even a method of dismissal called ‘timed out’ where the next/new batsman has to come out to the crease within 3 minutes; else he is dismissed as ‘Out’. How hard can it be for any kind of sportsmen to be able to walk 100 odd meters in 3 minutes? How unfit would he need to be?

Then there are matches which are inconclusive even after 5 days. These encounters are real tests of endurance, and are rightly called test matches.

The act of ‘walking’ – declaring oneself out when the umpire or other players may not have appealed – although honorable and full of sportsmanship (or maybe an euphemism about the ineptitude of the umpires?), might just well be a good excuse to rest in the pavilion, and enjoy the view of the green field.

While the discussion is fresh, let’s try and put things in perspective via a quick comparo, with unarguably the fastest and most technical sport, Formula 1 motor-racing.

Talking about participants, most of the formula 1 drivers lose more than a couple of kilos of weight during the average race day. That sport is that demanding on the body. I am pretty convinced that some of our ‘gentlemen’ might actually be coming out weighing a bit more, what with lunch and tea and the relatively mild expenditure of energy in activities like spitting-on-ball-or-hand-followed-by-rubbing ball-on-pants-in-areas-where-it-is-not-gentlemanly-to-scratch and clapping-words-of-support or sledging. Of course, for batsmen, swinging their arms and backs while shuffling around might get tiring, but they can always call for a runner. I clearly remember when an Indian batsman, batting in India, made some 93 runs and got dehydrated and had admitted to the hospital. Why did he not ask for a runner and some drinks? I guess he was just too tired. Collapsing on the field was easier and harmless. Ever heard of the F1 driver who asked someone else to race instead of him midway through the race, or passed out on the steering wheel, just because he had been racing a while now and had just set some fastest laps?

For that matter, ever heard of the driver who stopped by and changed his gloves since his hands were sweaty or removed his helmet during the race since his head was itchy? “I am sorry to ask you to stop, fellow drivers, but hey Alonso, could you tie my shoelaces? I don’t want to bend down. We’ll stop the race for a few seconds”. Heard that before?

How many times has the batsman suddenly walked off the pitch, just when the bowler was about to leap scarily and awkwardly, citing a reason that there was ‘movement’ near the sight-screen? Reminds me of the Monte Carlo (Monaco) Grand prix, where drivers exit a dark tunnel right into bright sunlight at about 280 kmph and immediately have to find out the braking zone and turn to avoid a barrier. All of this, while their pupils are shrinking to adjust to the light. I guess, they would appreciate a sight screen too.

What about wet weather and dew on the outfield? Oops, we can’t play now. The ball is also slippery now, you see?

I also wonder why the aerodynamics team don’t spit and polish their F1 cars with their pants till they shine, so that they could also be slippery and turn corners better.

And then there’s the technique and the (mostly contradictory) volumes spoken on technique. A batsman can use (at least) one of the following to boast about his run making ability – technique, power, timing, footwork, balance. The funny part is that when a batsman is actually scoring runs, the lack of one of the above may be overlooked. But the minute he fails, there is a full blown debate about why he failed. One’s reason for failure could very well be another’s strong point. “So what if he does not have footwork? He has timing.” Or “His placement is good”. Why define field positions elaborately if the batsmen have ‘evolved’ and are finding the gaps using their superior placement?

On the other hand, the stopwatch does not lie. One may have a smooth, aggressive, defensive, conservatory etc. driving style, but one is either the fastest, or the 2’nd fastest, or so on. At the end of the day, only the clock speaks. What about wrong footwork in F1? It can only spell a--b-i-g--c-r-a-s-h.

Also, I’ve never heard of the rival driver who’s bitten the tires off a Ferrari, thinking that the red/scarlet car was a berry/apple.

Cricketers and cricketlovers (and that is not a swear word, I promise), you better keep ‘playing’ your self-confessed funny game in your separate grounds, or on your dedicated media/TV channels.

Do not interfere with us, normal people, on the basketball court/football field/on the roads and, equally importantly, particularly during a formula 1 broadcast.